plans change.
this morning i had every intention of being productive and getting things done.
well... the littles, and mama's hormones, had different plans.
it turned into WAY too much yelling from mommy.
frustration for everyone... to the point it brought mama to tears.

today's post was going to be all about what mama's REALLY want when expecting.
not your typical "baby registry list"...
but then life happened.
and i know someone else needed to hear what happened just a few minutes ago...

yelling. pulling my hair.
feeling the guilt weigh so heavily on my heart...
this wasn't what i wanted.
not just for today.
when did this become the normal...
at least the last few weeks.

i couldn't do it anymore.
i called ryan.
i expressed my frustration and the pain in my heart.
poor guy,
just trying to work and having to talk down his pregnant wife.
reassure her he would be home soon,
that this was not going to be like this forever...

then the hot tears pressed against my eyes...
i hung up the phone.
while the littles argued over whose skateboard was whose,
scraping them across the bare hardwood floors...
and i let the tears fall.
i walked over to the couch and plopped my massive pregnant self down.
i picked up a blanket and just cried.
little miss instantly picked up on mama's distress.
next thing i felt was a tiny hand.

she had placed one hand on mine and her other hand on my belly.
a sweet soft voice said, "im sorry mommy. i love you. can i hold you?"
i took the blanket down from my face and picked up my growing 5 year old.
awkwardly, i held her over my tight full bebe belly...
sobbing into her hair.
she asked if i would take a photo...
i let out a little laugh and said why?!
"because i love you mommy. i want you to never forget"

so tears and all,
i reached for my phone and took a photo.
little dude made his way over by this point,
his face full of emotion.
he knew something was off, but the comprehension isn't quite there...
he reached his arms up.
little miss got down and they switched places.
i just held him while the tears fell...

deep breaths.
we all just took deep breaths.
little dude got down and went to grab pout, pout...
how fitting.
i dried my tears and situated both littles on my lap...
and we read.
we laughed...
i needed this.
they needed this.
we all did.

currently Inside Out is playing on the tv, while i write.
the atmosphere is 100% different.
calm, peaceful... we can all breathe...

we have these expectations as parents.
as mama birds.
our nests need to have some type of order...
calm, nurturing environments...
but the reality...
life is messy and unpredictable.

when we stuff our emotions or try and mask them,
and there HAS to be a release...
sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
even if it means just embracing those feeling of inadequacy,
of not being enough, calm enough, wise enough...
then letting it go.
knowing that none of it is true. that they are just feelings.
to let it release and cleanse your soul.
so today...
our little nests motto::
go with the flow...