"if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." -Woody Allen

we always knew our nest wasn't done growing. 
not in any rush, we just sunk in and really started to enjoy our little nest of us four.
but after a few months of being surprised that another little wasn't on his/her way, 
we decided to make a plan.

get in shape. like really start kicking butt and taking names.
get the littles to sleep in their own beds. upstairs.
start trying for another little in late fall/early winter.
you know, so we would have a spring babe...

well... if you want to make God laugh...
so... we told him all our plans. 

fast forward like a month and BAM...
another little growing in mama's womb. 

while we could not be more excited and grateful...
this mama is struggling something fierce.
body image.

i had all these wonderful ideas...
i was going to lose those 20 pounds...
the ones i lost and quickly gained back when i started taking care of my mom.
that my baby belly this time would be, 
just baby belly.
that my core would be strong.
my legs and arms softly chiseled.

because i didn't want to be out of breath walking up the stairs.
i wanted to be able to run around in the yard with the littles...
i wanted that energy back.
the mental clarity. 
that only came from eating right and working out. 
from taking care of myself.

when we got that positive test, 
there was a sadness that i quickly pushed down.
that sadness of not having that strong body.
that body to carry a healthy little one.

i quickly ignored it. 
well i tried. it didn't work.
i wanted to take a baby bump photo and was disgusted with myself.
so much so i burst into tears.

and then that voice.
the voice inside that i haven't heard in almost 8 months...
the one that said, 
"look at your body. LOOK at it. LOOK at what its been through. 

i took a few photos. 
and while some might see fat. saggy. gross. unhealthy. 
i KNOW its strong. capable. worthy. loved.
even if i have to remind myself every day.

i was just going to hide the photos, 
then my heart pushed me out of my comfort zone.
be raw. honest. real.

i know im not the only mama who has ever had these feelings.
who struggles with the joy of a new little one growing inside her womb, 
and the self-disgust and harsh criticism of her body.
who wants to make a change. but just needs the support to take the next step.

so here i am .
laying my heart out.
i could crawl into that hole, shove all those feelings down and let them sit.
or i can make a change.
i can honor my body for the life that its growing. 
start to restore those aspects of myself that are screaming for self care.
to really LOVE myself. in this very moment. 
to let the feelings come and take them for what they are worth.
to re-train my mind. 
that the first thoughts i hear when i see myself are ones of love. 
appreciation. grace. and beauty.

i was going to write this all out on IG but it became way too long. 
surprise surprise...

if you know a mama, or you yourself are struggling to really love your body, 
i want you to reach out. comment. tag your friends.
let us hold hands and walk this road together. 
let us support one another and embrace our bodies. 
let us take care of them. honor them. nourish them.