little dude will be two. tomorrow.
and im still in disbelief. i can't stop it. he will be two. oh my... breathe...

so daddy sent me for some quiet time. he knew i needed to get somethings out.

the last two years have been breathless... im still in shock most times when it really hits me that... we have two toddlers!
[yes i believe that 4 year olds are still toddlers]

its like we stepped out of the babyhood chapter... its kind of bittersweet.
i know we aren't finished with growing our nest, but i do know that this season of life is pure chaos.
and im learning to love it.
lets roll that around on the tongue.... i love this chaos.
does it make me question my sanity? yes.
am i in a constant whirlwind? yes.
is my heart full? oh yes.

for a while i had been fighting the chaos. trying to make it tidy. calm.
and the last few months... reflection.
a lot of it.

just like your birth little dude...
i needed to surrender.

for the last two years you have dumbfounded me. daddy and i just look at each other and go "what do we do?" "are you serious..." "what?!" "why?"
i have questioned if God maybe made a oops in giving us you.
like "lord, im helpless. im lost. i don't know how to help him. how to i teach him?! how in the world to i guide him?!?"
i have thrown my hands in the air in the middle of the day and screamed
::to which of course i can... because we are all still here::
we have endured sleepless nights... ::thats a WHOLE other story::
basically we are both walking sleep deprived, somehow functioning parents, who are doing the best we can...

but i have also witnessed some of the most amazing revelations.
His faithfulness. His truth. His grace.

little dude...
you have taught me over and over... surrender.
let it go.

and now its time i surrendered, once again.
how fitting... again, just like your birth... on the breaking point i stand...
do i break or do i surrender...

i have struggled with anxiety and depression the last two years... silently.
only lately have i really come to grips with what has been going on.
the anxiety attacks. the head spinning fog. the being so completely overwhelmed you can't move. the mind racing. the constant tense shoulders. never getting a good deep breath. the comparison. the thoughts... oh those debilitating thoughts.
in my effort to try and "have it all together" "control it all" i have swept what i knew in my gut, under the rug.
until now. today i am shattering the glass... i am breaking that silence.
i am publicly saying... its time for change. i need help and i am getting it.

i have already begun the journey into healing.
and let me tell you... im excited. im hopeful.
im also terrified. i know that this will be a season of growth.
for our whole family.
for mama to get better. to heal.
for daddy and the littles to see how to help mama when she needs it most.
by reminding her to take care of herself. even when she doesn't want to.
its already started and im glad to say that with solomon turning two tomorrow...
my heart actually feels light.
something i don't think i have been able to say, truthfully, for a few years.

its amazing the gift of surrender and what it brings you...
the freedom to breathe and let it all go. to wholeheartedly trust and believe...
the grace to know its ok when you mess up. you are still loved and worthy of that love.
the peace that envelopes you with hope. and starts to let those drops of joy come in.

so while i reflect tonight and tomorrow on what these last two years have held...
i can do so with a heart ready for change. ready for growth. ready for surrender.

little dude,
God didn't make an oops when He gave us you...
He knew exactly what He was doing.
you, my sweet solomon thor, are my wise strength. that reminder in your eyes.
the strength that comes in the surrender. may i be reminded daily of that truth.
for its taken me two years to finally be able to see that it wasn't you who needed us... it was me who needed you.