day of remembrance

pregnancy loss
infant loss

noah joel.
nora jane.

today is a day that this community is surrounded.
swarmed with support, love, light.

anyone who has lost their little,
knows that this day isn't the only day we remember.
the only day we grieve.
the only day that the pang of grief sits in your stomach.
everyday is that day.

many will say they understand,
even though they have never walked through this.
many will offer well-meaning words,
when "im sorry" "i love you" "im here"
are the words that mean the most.
even just "im thinking of you. of your littles"

to you i say,
i know you mean well.
that you just want to help,
and i appreciate that.
most of us do.
but please. just hold us.
pray for us. light a candle.
say their names.
please, say their names.

noah joel. nora jane.
our littles. our littles we lost.

i've debated sharing this,
but im learning its when i am most raw,
that when i open scars.
that they heal.
that i grow.
that sometimes, it makes a connection with someone,
that they can begin to heal too.
and thats when i know its worth it.

i lost two littles.
nothing prepares you for loss.
even when you have already experienced it.

when i lost noah,
i was in grief and pain so deep,
i never thought i would see the light.
be happy. be able to love.
it was the hardest time of our marriage.
hands down.
ryan didn't know how to help.
how to walk his wife through this loss.
he too was grieving.
i had lost hope.

there is no right way to grieve.
each journey is different.

i didn't fully enjoy and embrace my pregnancy with eden.
of course i was thrilled and elated,
but i was always checking to make sure i wasn't losing her.
even though it was years since losing noah,
it was in the back of my head...
God please don't take her...
even through her birth,
i struggled.
when she was born,
i really believe i started to trust again.

there would be moments i would watch her,
and i could only think...
there should be two.
noah should be here.
then i would feel guilty i wasn't 100% joy and love with eden.
its a difficult road.

then nora.
i immediately knew, a girl.
the positive pregnancy test,
the growing belly...
but the nagging feeling something wasn't right.
then the blood.
i swore i couldn't do it again.
i couldn't be losing another little.

but we did.
and not even three months later we were pregnant again.
and this time it was different.
i enjoyed every moment.
even the hard parts.
i started to give myself permission to feel.
happy. joy. delight. love.
pain. anger. hurt. loss.

it was weird to grieve a loss of a little while being pregnant.
when her due date came around,
i was six months pregnant with solomon.
it was hard to know how to feel.
it still is.

if i had nora, we wouldn't have solomon.
and thats whats the worst.

i love my boy. my sweet solomon.
i cant imagine life without him,
but where does that leave nora.
am i a bad mother for not wanting her here?
because if she was... i wouldn't have him.

this. this is the hardest part for me.
the part i want to crawl in a ball and never move.
the part i don't know how to navigate other than to accept how i feel.
that i don't know how to respond.
that all i can do is lay it all in His hands and say,
I need you to take this grief. this pain.
to surround me and comfort me.
bring peace.

i may never work this out.
and thats ok.
because that might be the journey that this is.

to know i don't have to work it out.
to just remember the short time noah and nora were here.
to honor their memory,
to value the preciousness of life,
the delicate and miraculous miracle of a baby.
to teach my littles to treasure and value life,
no matter the age. the timing.

so this morning we lit our candle.
our remembrance candle.
the candle i have burned since losing noah.
five years ago.
i light it on his due date,
the anniversary of day we lost him,
and any time i just need to reflect.
i lit it the weeks of uncertainty with nora.
i've lit it on october 15 for years now.

when we lit it this morning,
i talked to eden and solomon about their brother and sister.
eden remembered that i light this candle when "mama is sad"
and i told her, that we also light it to remember.
i said a prayer over all my littles.
over all our littles.

i walked back into the living room a few minutes later,
and the candle was no longer burning.
i looked and,
sure enough,
there is no more life left in this candle.
ironic... maybe.
healing... yes.

it was almost like,
its time to forgive myself for feeling guilty.
that i don't need to carry that anymore.
i can mourn the loss of both of my littles,
while also being present and enjoying life right now.
and thats ok.

tonight at 7pm we will light another candle.
for this wave of light around the world.
we will remember and pray for those who are walking this path.
the path of healing. remembering.

please join us, at 7pm your time.

to those who have lost their littles...
i love you. im here. im praying for you and your littles.

1 comment:

  1. This. This is beautiful. I love you, dear mama of your Noah Joel & Nora Jane.
    ~remembering always~