i have gone back and forth,
back and forth...
trying desperately to decide how i wanted to share his birth.

there is so much.
much i want to remember.
much i want to share.
much i dont want to forget.

parts of his birth have changed me forever.
in ways i could never imagine.

revelations that were made.
amazing and wonderful clarity.

so i decided to take it one day at a time.
to share over the next few weeks,
maybe even months of things that happened.

but for today...
today i will simply write the facts.
what happened.
and later...
later we will get to pieces that will stay with me forever.
at the front of my mind.
my heart.

now this was FIVE months ago...
eden's birth story was written six months after she was born.
so im getting a little better.
there was a lot that i personally needed to process before sharing with you all.
so grab a cuppa tea, coffee,
glass of water or soda if you please
and snuggle in because we ALL know i can't be quick winded about anything, especially birth.

:: solomon thor, your birth story ::

sweet boy.
you had me in prodromal labor for weeks.
about six weeks...

i called your daddy, mimi and our sweet midwife more than once.
to tell them i was in labor,
only to have you decide...
not yet.
or at least i thought it was you.

your due date was mid jan.
i could have sworn you would be early.
boy was i wrong.

we planned a home birth.
with a midwife.
your sister would be present.
your mimi and your aunt.
we watched videos in preparation.
i prayed daily... multiple times a day.
i knew that this was going to be a wonderful day.
the day you were born.

the week you were born,
i was convinced you were coming THAT day.
early in the week i actually called your dad home.
i called your mimi to let her know things were starting.
i called mrs jo.
by the time your dad got home,
"im having a baby" contractions had slowed and stopped.
i was so discouraged.
your dad's work ended up telling him to just stay home until you were born.
a baby gift they called it.

there were many anxieties that i had.
fears that i was afraid to speak out loud.
i was so focused on trying to control everything.
my emotions, discomfort,
everyone else around me.
not a good idea.

your gammie (your daddy's mama) had sent me this text Friday [JAN 24] afternoon.
she had no idea what was going on, 
other than i had been in early/prodromal labor and i was tired... 

"Fear not, for I am with you. My creation lies within your womb.
I am in control. all things are done in My timing. Peace My child.
My hand is upon Solomon and no harm shall befall him.
A man plans his way but I the Lord always do what's best for My children.
Trust in Me. Peace I give to you. Receive it and rest in Me, says the Lord"

i focused on that as much as i could. 
trying to take all my thoughts captive and hand them over to Him.

this was the conversation between mrs jo and i later that night.

early the next morning [JAN 25], 

i can remember sobbing.
next to the bed, on the birthing ball.
swaying. texting my heart out.
your daddy and sister asleep on the bed next to me.
stupid infomercials on the tv.
your mimi in the living room asleep as well.

this was around 6:00AM.

"Mom gave me a massage last night and prayed. I woke up at 1 kinda crampy, 
and i kept telling myself, your in labor. your in labor.
God i trust you. went back to bed thinking it would be best to rest.
woke up again at 3 to pee and nothing. 
just woke up now and im just so discouraged and frustrated!!!!...
Jo, what am i doing wrong?! i know im not doing anything wrong, 
but i cant help but feel like im missing something! i want him in my arms, 
but i want him when its his time. this is soooo hard. everyone is asleep and Im at the end of my mental and emotional rope. i dont know how much i can go."
mrs jo::
"you are doing nothing wrong! you are growing a beautiful baby boy and you have been on the edge of labor for a long time.
you are tired, frustrated, and done! how about this: if you are not in labor by this evening or tomorrow (your choice) i will come down and we will see if we cant get things going."
"i really don't know if i can wait until tomorrow. I am sorry. i wish i could say im fine waiting until tonight, but i truthfully don't think i can."
mrs jo::
"ok, what do you want me to do? its your call"
"could you come later today?"
mrs jo::
"no problem! now, try to rest some more. take some rescue remedy and try to relax :)"

we planned for her to come over later that day.


i was on edge,
thats what no sleep and prodromal labor for six weeks will do to you.
i listened to our play lists.
sang in the shower,
swayed through bouts of contractions.
the sun was shining through the bathroom window,
as i sang with all my soul.
the hot water eased my achey muscles.

i knew that your time was near.
i wanted to believe that you were really coming soon.
i knew that on Monday we would have to start really inducing labor,
otherwise you couldn't legally be born at home.

Jo got to our house.
while she was there,
i had a few contractions that were more like "im having a baby" contractions.
i spilled my heart out to her.
in the living room, on the bed with your daddy next to me,
your mimi on the couch and your sister playing on the floor.

i was so tired.
i had reached the point where i was just done.
we talked about a few things we could do.
i was adamant that i didn't want to rush you.
it was a hard place to be in.
to know you would come when you were ready,
but to also know that i was mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually weary.
i know i needed strength, and i was running on empty.

Mrs. Jo reminded me,
so many times,
that in doing a few things we could maybe get me over the hump to really start labor,
that it wouldn't work unless it was time.
i loved that about Mrs. Jo.
she listened to me.
she knew my heart. what i wanted.
she knew that something was bothering me.
she asked me to be honest.
with myself.
a very hard thing for me to do.
i wanted everything all nice a pretty.
i didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
kate, your having a baby!

we ate some dinner and then we decided to get things going.
clary sage, some herbals...
things started to pick up.

consistency! finally!
the house got darker,
again... i just knew that you would be born at night.
in the moonlight...
i started to get excited.
that tingling energy.

i started getting into a pattern.
all i could think was,
"this is so different"
you sister's labor was seven hours.
painful. i had to labor in the tub because of discomfort.
it was crazed.
with you,
i could talk through my contractions.
like nothing was happening.
it was just so different.
i kept saying that over and over.

jo called her assistant, susan.
mom called your aunt julie.
they both were at the house fairly quick.
i said to call our birth photographer.
it was the coldest night of the year.
her car would not start.
we told her to stay safe and if she made it that was fine,
but not to rush.
[she didn't end up making it]

i labored in the kitchen and living room for a while.
we all were tired.

this is where my timeline gets fuzzy.
i remember the tub being filled in our bedroom.
grabbing the camera and setting it up.
lighting the birth candle.
turning on the battery candles.
your sister was with your mimi.
she fell asleep in the living room.
i got into the tub and it was so relaxing.
things started to slow down.
it was a roller coaster.

i would get into a great pattern,
then stop.
your dad would run hot water down my back between contractions.
i labored a lot on my knees with my arms over the side of the tub.
i remember looking around and everyone was sleeping sitting up.
i started to doubt myself.
getting worried that something was wrong.
jo told me everything was fine.
that maybe a change would make things speed up.
there was no reason, other than my own exhaustion,
that i wanted things to speed up.
you were not in danger.
you were actually quite comfy.

we decided to try and rest,
let everyone get some sleep and i would wake them up when i needed them.
your daddy and i laid in bed.
i tried to sleep but i barely got any rest.
contractions were on top of each other.

light started peeking through the window.
i started to get even more discouraged.
we were going on ten hours of labor with everyone there...

your aunt documented this on her phone...
most of this time was a blur for me.

i really remember.
talking to jo...
i remember calling her in.
telling her i was scared.
that i wasn't going to have enough energy.
in my mind, i had seriously contemplated just calling the hospital and letting them cut you out.
that was so hard for me.
i knew it wasn't what i wanted,
what you needed,
but i was so tired.

i was on the bed looking at jo talking to me on the floor.
she was so kind.
she listened to me.
she suggested us coming out into the living room.
your sister was up and playing puzzles with mimi.

i remember needing to eat something.
i ate a waffle, i believe.
bouncing on the ball, with my eyes closed.
everyone was so so so tired.
i just kept saying,
"were ready to meet you baby boy."
"please come out"
jo gave me a homeopathic to help make the contractions more consistent.
i ended up breaking down in the living room.
i was done. i said out loud all of my fears.
i asked for jo to check me to make sure that nothing was wrong.
more for my own piece of mind. again.

your daddy was wonderful.
he was beyond exhausted. but he was strong. steadfast.
in the quiet of our living room,
he asked gently,
"what about your playlist?"

here. right here.
this where things started to change.

we turned the playlist on the tv.
i cant remember how many songs in we were,
but i remember laying over the ball.
contractions picked up significantly.
the song "oceans" by hillsong came on.
the entire room stilled.
i started feeling pushy. i ignored it.
i just praised our Heavenly Father.

in the first chords,
my heart broke.
i started singing the words.
my voice broke.
i felt God's hands over me.
Holding me.
we were worshiping our King.
all of us in that room.
i was contracting, hard.
then in that moment.
i surrendered.
all of me.
i gave it all to Him.
i gave you to Him.

our home was filled with angels.
it was tangible.
the most surreal and overwhelmed i have ever been.
everyone in the room knew it.

i was moaning/groaning really loud through contractions.
there was a definite shift.
i was aware, but totally surrendered.
welcoming each contraction.
i could feel my cervix dilating.

the song ended and a stupid youtube commercial came one.
i think i laughed and joked about turning it off.

the next song came on,
"i need you" by matt maher.
i had an immediate contraction.
jo had to start squeezing my hips.hard.
in that contraction, i yelled,
"im trying not to push, ohh i need you"
i just sang. all in that one contraction.
i sang and contracted through out that entire song,
on the ball, in the living room,
holding your daddy's hands,
jo squeezing my hips.
aunt julie filming,
susan praying.
i believe eden and mimi were holding eachother, maybe they were upstairs?

another contraction came.
i was groaning/grunting "ooooooooohhhh" into the ball.
i told Jo to stop pushing on my hips,
she then looked at susan and told her to get the tub ready.
i was half aware of this.
i was in the zone.

i needed to pee, badly.
i remember we all were getting excited.
no one was even thinking about sleep at that point.
i think we all were shocked at how quickly things changed,
and were changing.

we got up and went into the bathroom.
i sat on the toilet and peed.
i had a few contractions on the toilet.
i was convinced you were going to come out in the toilet.
i remember your dad was in front of me.
jo was watching me.
talking and breathing with me through contractions.
there was hustle and bustle in the bedroom and i could hear them talking.

i remember jo yelling,
"is the tub ready?!?"
i think she was sensing that i needed to move...
like right that moment.

i had plans of having my sports bra on,
but ha! nope i was all natural. just like with your sister.
we got into the bedroom.
i got into the tub.

it was so intense. i was overwhelmed with pain.
its a completely different kind of pain.
nothing else is like it.
it hurts, but its also invigorating. all those hormones.
jo was reminding me that this was it.
this was the hard part.
your sister kept asking to get in the pool/tub.
i was leaning over the side of the tub, your daddy had to remind me to breathe.

he asked me again if i wanted my music.
oh yes.

jo had to get in my face, more than once.
breathe, kate.
was screaming "ooohhh, owie owie owie..... oh my God. oh my God."
i rolled over onto my back in the water.

"oceans by hillsong" came on again.
jo checked your heartbeat,
"in oceans deep, my faith will stand" played in the background.
the contraction came down,
and i just melted into the water.
your daddy was holding me from the outside of the tub.
his arms were like solid rock.
i felt so secure and safe.

this is where i have notes from the video:
a time line, sorta...
this wasn't the actual time but the video camera time...
jo asked if i wanted to be checked. she reminded me to "open". "this is your  baby. this is your body. it is you. this is what you were made for. you are doing this"
"spirit lead me where your trust is without borders" is in the background.
"open open open open open... oooh it hurts-- OPEN OPEN" i was saying it super fast. like if somehow i could get ahead of the contraction. jo told me to "slow down... oooooooopppppeeeeennnn" she asked if i was getting pushy. i said, "i dont even know." i was so overwhelmed.
"its intense. very intense"
jo-"if your body isnt telling you to push, dont push"
"this is really intense. REALLY."
jo-"do you feel like your water broke?"
"i dont know, at all"
"dear Jesus, please help me. help me help me....."
contraction started
jo- "great contraction!"
"i dont know if i can do this... ooooooooooo ow ow ow"
ryan- "you can do this"
jo- "your doing this"
contraction ended.
jo-"think about your rest. do you want me to check you?"
"no. not yet"
i needed to breathe. i needed a moment.
this continued....
"a thousand years"- christina perri starts playing.
"i cant do this much longer..."
jo- "do you feel like pushing?" she handed susan the charts.
she tried to check, but another contraction.
"ooooopppppen..." in a low voice.
jo- "there you go... try to push"
"1/2 a second i could feel you pushing"
jo- "im going to check now, ok?"
"ok... OW!"
jo- "sorry sorry... just making sure... Hi Solly. nothing up front"
another contraction.
focused all my energy down.
jo- "now deep push"
"oooohhhhhhhh oooooooooooooo"
jo- "GOOD!"
jo- "how did that feel?"
"REALLY good"
everyone laughed.
"is he ok to come out???
jo- "yea."
eden- "i see mommy????!!!"
mimi- "not yet."
checked solly's heartbeat
contraction, "oooo, ooohh, not doing it right...ooohh"
jo- "right there kate... chin to your chest.."
jo- "are you contracting?"
"i dont know anymore"
jo-"your doing this... relax"
[i need you- matt maher]
eden- "mommy??"
mimi- julie- "shes ok.
i tried to get out of the tub
eden- "i see baby now??"
"something popped!" my water broke.
checked solly's heartbeat
jo- "enjoy your break"
"its not a break!"
kept repeating "i need you...."
eden- "i see mommy... hold mommy now. hold mommy, mimi"
jo- "its your body, its your baby"
ryan to eden- "mommy's pushing solly"
julie to eden- "daddy's helping mommy"
jo- "dont run."
"down in your chest"
end contraction
"i need a break"
eden comes over by daddy.
[i need you is still playing in the background]
julie- whispers "she's falling into the water ryan..."
i was floating in the pool, the water in my ears helped me to relax.
ryan- "eden, be quiet so solly can come out"
[oceans by hillsong comes on]
jo- "push through it..."
jo went to support my perineum.
jo- "gentle..."
jo- "here he comes, you can do this"
contraction ended
jo- "he's almost here"
jo- "there you go!!!"
everyone, "come on!!"

it was amazing.
truly amazing.
when i reached down and felt your head,
i was totally expecting just a little bit of your head.
i did not expect to feel most of your head.
your had so much hair.
it was so soft.
i was touching an angel.

i was so scared that if i didn't push you out,
RIGHT THEN, you would go back in and i would have to push all over again.
i knew that wouldn't have happened,
but in that moment i was convinced!

you came so fast.
you surprised jo!
it was all she could do but basically catch you and bring you to my chest.
it was so awesome.
there you were.
covered in cheese.
your fingernails were so long.

it took a few minutes for you to pink up.
with as quickly as i pushed you out,
it wasn't enough time to get all the gunk out of your throat.
you let out a little cry and then were calm.
just like your daddy.

your sister wanted to get into the tub.
your daddy held her while i held you.
i told everyone thank you,
and jo looked at me and said, "you did all the work"

oh it was amazing.
i was in shock how quickly it went...
here are the stats::
1/25/14 9:40pm: first stage begins
1/26/14 12:27pm: solomon was born
latent (0-4cm): 13 hours and 15 min
active (4-10cm): 1 hour and 25 min
total time: 14 hours and 40 min.
second stage: complete dilation to delivery: 7 min.
8lbs 15oz.
21 inches long
14 1/2 head circumference

i will update more with the afterbirth,
and other things that i think about frequently later. :)
everyone needs a break after that!


1 comment:

  1. SO BEAUTIFUL! what a powerful birthing experience and life lesson. Let go, let love. XOXO