there is a theme that i am seeing through a majority of the blogs i read and follow...

learning to say no.
learning to say yes.
listening to yourself.
trusting yourself.
taking care of yourself.

is it any wonder that a majority of the blogs i follow are fellow mamas?

we pour our heart, mind, body, and soul into taking care of our littles. our family.
most of the times neglecting ourselves.

when our bodies start to demand:

alone time.

we feel guilty. lazy.
like we are doing a disservice to our family. friends.
and...we ignore that voice inside.

you erupt.

i had this moment last night.

the past couple weeks, heck the past couple months, i have ignored what my body has been telling screaming, at me.

rest. sleep. relax. exercise. feed me.
body, soul, and mind.

we live with my mother and my sister.
things can get nasty sometimes.
we say things we don't mean.
we deny, defend, and point fingers at the other.

most of the times, these moments happen when we are exhausted and emotionally drained.

we lost our grandmother. my mom lost her mama.
we move forward like we are okay.
are we? no.

honestly, i still have yet to deal with the feelings/emotions i have in regard to her death.

subconsciously, i think its because my body knows i can't handle that right now.

in addition to all of this,
i have placed a huge amount of pressure upon myself to be:

the perfect mama.
the one who has everything done at the end of the day.
the one who can do it all.
the one who has millions of cute crafts and photo ops.
the one who doesn't need to rest when baby rests.
the perfect wife.
the one who doesn't get angry or upset over the little things.
the one who makes sure all the laundry is done and folded, everyday.
the one who looks like she stepped out of a magazine with the perfect everything.
the one who does everything with a smile on her face.

talk about extreme and unrealistic expectations.
but in the crazy kate universe it should all...
make sense. come together. equal that list.

hence, the explosion that occurred last night.
i screamed. i yelled. i banged things around.
i said hurtful things. i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life.
i was physically shaking at the emotions that were coursing through my body.

i am ashamed at the things i said, the things i did.
i am mortified.

i apologized.

and today i was in a funk.
i tried to blame it on the no sleep.
the weather, and how pitch black comes at 5:45 at night.
my vitamin d levels.
the fact my cycle has yet to appear and i've gotten two negative pregnancy tests, and that all i want is an answer.
(i feel the need to stress here that we are not actively trying for another baby now, but most definitely not preventing it)

i went to target, planned on going to the grocery store later, and called my mom to see if she wanted to meet me there.

she came. she knew something was wrong. (like most moms do)
i told her all the above reasons of why i thought i was having an off day.

and you know what she did?
she stopped me in the aisle of target, near the clearance (my favorite spot), looked at me and said, with a smile,
"im going to say somethings you probably don't want to hear right now. and i am hoping that us being in a public place will help us not to get into another screaming match"--- you got to have some humor after going at each other like rabid dogs! ;)

she then proceeded to tell me, in a very frank manner,
that i am not taking care of myself.
truly taking care of myself.
and that i am not only doing a huge disservice to myself, but to
eden, ryan, my family, my body, my friends, and my future children.

--frying pan over the head--

how many times have you heard,
"you are no help to others if you don't take care of yourself"

why is it so difficult for me to remember this? take it to heart? live it out?

my body has now started putting up major shut-down signs...
i feel sickness creeping in.
so i poured myself some tea, got in a big fuzzy robe, sat in bed and tried to relax.
i am determined now to not get sick.
to take care of myself, the correct way.
not in the way where i say,
i will wait until things are calmed down, and not so crazy.
because honestly,
they will always be crazy.

--another mama nugget of wisdom--
life doesn't happen in the calm,
 it happens when things are crazy, unplanned, and spontaneous. 

so now i am making an effort to change (a theme for me as of late)

to change my days.
to take time for me.
to love myself.
to take care of myself.