noah. hebrew. rest, comfort
joel. hebrew. the Lord is God

october 15. infant loss day remembering.sharing

july 13 2009.

my cycles had been off for a couple months, so when my period came and i passed a rather large clot, i thought it was just my body "catching up". i hadn't had regular cycles due to coming off birth control (something that i will never use again, and never promote or encourage anyone to ever using). i had been bleeding and cramping over a week and i just knew something wasnt right. i made a phone call to the dr's office and spoke with a nurse. i explained my symptoms...

she mentioned i was more than likely experiencing a miscarriage and that i should go to the ER.

that day was awful. we went to the hospital. we waited for over 4 hours to be seen and then another 2 hours before we got any type of answer.

the nurses and doctor were cold and unsympathetic. my mother, who is a nurse, was appalled at the treatment we were given.

this is a photo that i took while sitting in the freezing cold room, after being handled like a piece of meat and had one of the most painful pelvic exams. ever.

to me, i look at this photo and it expresses how that er visit was.

cold. sterile. harsh. neglect. 

i will never forget: 

-sitting in the er waiting room, bleeding, doubled over in pain, watching people who had just walked in with splinters or a stubbed toe, be escorted back to be taken care of.
-having to repeat over and over why i was there. 
-the insincere "im sorry" from the nurse writing in the chart.
-the doctor that rolled her eyes when she listened to me describe what was happening.
-that blue cup in the picture: that was the cup i had to urinate in. in a bathroom. in the middle of the main hallway. and then walk past other patients, to bring it back to my room. and then proceed to watch it sit on the counter. two nurses came in at separate times and never took it to test it. to be given discharge papers while the cup still sat on the counter. untouched.
-those stir-ups that they attached to the bed, how they were tossed on the counter with a bang and the nurse/doctor just got up and left after "checking" me. 
-the disregard for human life that the entire staff gave me and my unborn child.

the "results" that were given:

because i did not have a positive pregnancy test they refused to confirm that i had miscarried.

stunned. shock. numb.

wait, so i didn't "medically" miscarry because i did not have a positive pregnancy test?

how can someone say that? WHY would someone say that. 

this was my experience over three years ago. i think about it quite a bit. i can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that miscarrying my son was one of the worst moments in my life.

i was a mess for months. every where i turned there were pregnant women, newborns, babies. baby ads. baby clothes. i couldn't walk in anywhere with out being bombarded with BABY BABY BABY.

i was sad. hurt. angry. confused. devastated.

i cried for days, weeks. i didn't want to get out of bed. i broke into tears every time i would look into people's eyes. i closed myself away from people. i put up walls.

even now, i can remember the pain i felt.
is it still there? yes.
is it as strong? honestly? sometimes.

there are times where i grieve. still.
are there people who won't understand that? yes.

i heard everything when i told people... honestly, there are no words that take the pain away. no words that make it better. most of the time, for me at least, having someone just hold me and be silent was best.

people mean well, most of the time. but there are sometimes that i think people mean too well and say things that really just hurt. while, now i know that they said these things in love and thought they were helping.

but then i was so mad. frustrated. and angry at some of the things people said.

"your young, you have time"
"there was something wrong with your baby, thats why you lost him"
"you can always try again"
"there is always adoption"
"it was meant to be"
"well, you weren't that far along."
"God doesn't make mistakes."
"are you sure you miscarried?"
"at least you know you can get pregnant"

please, if you know someone who has miscarried, don't blow them off. don't try and give them a reason for what happened. honestly, most of the time you will never know the why. let them talk. let them cry. let them feel. let them grieve.

there are many people that go through miscarriages, and it doesn't effect them all the same way. thats okay. some people, its best for them to move on and never discuss. thats okay.

that is not me.

my heart is tender. (this is not to say that those who didn't experience and grieve like i did don't have tender hearts.)

while i don't have all the answers, i do know the things that helped me.

-our family and friends were so supportive. they showered us in love and prayers.
-the best thing for me, were the hugs. the silent embraces that allowed me to cry. to grieve. no judgement. no expectation of when i was suppost to be okay. they allowed me to grieve. which in a way allowed myself to be okay with whatever "time frame" that this would take.

-the random texts and phone calls. "i love you" "we are praying for you" "do you need anything?"

-naming our son.

this was a big thing for us. we had no concrete evidence to hold on to, no positive pregnancy test, no ultra-sound photo, no recording of a heart beat. i got tired and frustrated of just saying and thinking, "i lost our baby"

  ryan and i talked a lot, and we both felt we lost our son. we decided to name him.

noah joel. meaning: comfort and rest, the Lord is God. 

we were finally able to say his name. noah. our sweet noah. 

we know that 
"in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." 
we claimed that. 

we knew that noah had a purpose. just like we all do.

even though we never got to hold him. see him.

my arms still ache to hold him.

i have had many dreams of noah.
i have seen him dancing on the streets of gold. i have seen him in our Heavenly Fathers' arms.
i believe we will see him again, one day.

-i had a ring made by a wonderful woman, Gracie. i now have something that i can hold and touch.

she wrote a little of what we had done here : my persimmon

there are two things that i will never forget. 

we had two couples that took us under their wings. 
Money and Jason. Paul and Candace. 
they prayed for us. with us. 

even weeks, months after we lost Noah. they called and texted. 

one night about a couple weeks after i miscarried, Paul called and prayed over the phone with me. while he was praying he said, "give them peace that passes all understanding".

i have heard that phrase over and over, especially growing up in church, but that night it sank in, it covered over me. that night, i believe i was finally able to talk to God. really talk to him. tell him how i felt. the good. bad. and the ugly. i was able to sleep that night and wake up not feeling like my world was crashing and burning. 

thank you Paul.

Money. oh sweet Money. darling, i love you so much. you have been a pillar of strength, wisdom, encouragement, and love. your words. your prayers. your hugs. i miss you dearly! 

you held me, multiple times, while i sobbed. when i didn't know how i was going to make it through the day. when i searched for answers. 

i remember you pulling me aside one day to tell me you had a dream. 

you told me, you saw ryan and i with a blonde headed little girl and a little boy with brown eyes like mine. you knew that those were our babies.

i remember thinking to myself "well maybe she got the color of her hair wrong because there is no way that we would have a blonde headed child". boy, was i wrong and am so glad i was.

i remember you telling me, that i was a mama. those words were so healing to me. thank you sweet friend.

while today is infant loss day, i wanted to share a little of my story. (while i know its been a long post, i appreciate you sticking with me through the end)

to remember noah. 

and where it has brought us today.

enter in eden. our delight.

our daughter who is less than 10 days away from turning one. 

our blonde haired blue-eyed little girl. 

one thing, i think we forget or think is bad, is if we get mad at God. think about a parent/child relationship. did you ever get mad at your parents? did you ever scream and yell at them? ignore them?... most likely, yes you did. 

did that mean you loved them any less? (really loved them any less?) that they were no longer your parents? no.

While there are many aspects to our relationship with God, the father-child relationship is one of most revelation to me. How we are to be as parents. that even if our children say they hate us.don't love us, we still love them and are here for them. that we watch over them, even if they don't want it. that when they hurt.we hurt.

God was there for us. even when i could not see it. when i really didn't care if He was or not. thats hard for me to admit. that i did not trust God. really trust Him

and if i am completely honest. i didn't fully trust Him again until i had eden in my arms. every day i was pregnant was wonderful. but it was also fearful. was i going to lose her too? would i have another child i wouldn't get to see? hold? watch grow up?

i think when you miscarry you are brought into a new realm of understanding. understanding how fragile life is. what a true miracle life is. 

i now hold eden, with an understanding that she is not my own. she is God's.He entrusted her to us. 

and while i mourn the loss of our son, noah joel, i know that there is purpose with his short time on earth. 

that there is peace that passes all understanding. 
and that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." 

to those of you who have experienced infant loss, i am sorry. i love you. i pray for you.

know that you are not alone. 


1 comment:

  1. Hi Kate,
    Seriously, I have no words. Your post brought on the waterworks over here. Noah.Joel. Never have I known anyone with my babe's same name. Somehow we instantly connected - through our boys.
    I am so sorry for your loss. My heart crumbles knowing you've endured this journey.